Yesterday morning I answer an incoming call from the daycare.  It was 8:30 and she was just getting around to telling me that "we have no milk for breakfast."  Well, that's just dandy since I'm still in my pj's and breakfast is served at...oh, 8:30.  Silly  me.  The cook gets there at 7:45.  Why did she wait til 8:30 to call me?  Either way, it doesn't matter why I suppose, just simply ..we needed milk...and pronto.

Last night at 8:15 I answered an incoming call from my husband who declares, "we have no milk".  My answer to him was a summary of the above paragraph and the following question...."What do I look like?  A Cow?"

Guess what, my daycare children got milk and breakfast about 9 and my children at home managed perfectly fine without milk at all last night.  So there...gah!

Let me tell you first off that my mom is very sick.  Anything that is going on with my health is most definitely secondary.  However, when the heart specialist started talking about cardiac catheter blah blah and my primary care physician is talking insulin, I know that it is high time I did something to make my physical health better.  A change must happen and it must start now.

Last night I absolutely could not go to sleep.  So, I watched the stuff on DVR and surfed.  Then, this morning I couldn't get going.  I slept and slept and slept.  Finally about 3 I knew I had to get myself motivated.  I got up, Jace and I went to my mom's (where Walker had been during the nap).  I felt horrible.  I was aching, my chest was heavy, I have a real raspy sounding voice and just generally felt like I couldn't even sit up. 

However.....I KNEW I had to go to the daycare and clean.  Basically it takes about 2 hours, maybe 3 each weekend, not including the grocery buying, etc.  However, for at least 3 months, we've done about fifteen minutes and just half-ass handled the grocery shopping.  The cook had to call me Friday morning to tell me we had absolutely no milk for breakfast at the center.  The last few weeks I've only bought a few groceries on the weekend and then gone back 2 or 3 times during the week.  That's basically all the energy I could muster. 

The teachers were helping with the cleaning but it simply wasn't enough.  Just for the record, my house is worse and if you don't' believe me, just go take a gander at this.  Today after sitting at my mom's for over an hour, I decided that I HAD to get my arse in gear or that daycare would never get cleaned.  Remember, Wayne is in the middle of a project and working 16 hours a day since last Tuesday, including today and tomorrow.  That left the daycare for me to take care of.  And, trust me when I tell you that we left it trashed on Friday.  That place looked like a tornado had come through and I knew I had to go do some serious cleaning.

Fast forward to 9pm tonight.  I scrubbed the bathrooms, cleaned a little here and a little there and then, holy cow, THEN I decided to re-arrange my office.  I worked about 3 and a half hours in the daycare.  I am hurting, my back is aching, my chest hurts, my head hurts. 

That takes me to the dilemma.  Am I have a hard time doing the normal day to day things that I need to do because here is something physically wrong with me, wrong with my heart, my thyroid, my insulin?  Or am I simply so out of shape and overweight that I can't do these normal things without being completely fatigued afterwards?  Which is it? 

For the record, I won't be having the cath anytime soon.  I have an appointment with my new general practitioner this week to see how we are going to attack the issues that I know are there...diabetes, thyroid, etc.  I have a treadmill in my office and I think it needs a new belt.  Thus far I haven't ordered one.  Come Monday though, I'm going to try it and see if I can use it.  And, by damn, I am not going to be the one hiding in the back of this year's family Christmas photo because I'm so fat.  I mean it. 

I don't have the guts to post photos of all of my fat rolls like Y did, but by damn, I am losing some weight and I'm making some kind of improvements on my over all health.  I can't stand thinking that my boys are going to have to grow up without their grandmother, but thinking they will have to grow up without me, without a mommy.  No way, no how.  I'm going to do all I have to do to make sure my kids have me for as long as possible and that they won't be embarrassed when I show up at school functions.  That's it. 

I need help from you guys.  I need motivation.  I need you to push me.  My family, Wayne in particular, will not push me.  The people that I have face to face relationships with are afraid to push me, to make me accountable.  Wayne and my Mom are afraid they will hurt my feelings as are most of the other folks I see on a day to day basis.  That leaves you guys.  You, Internet's.  You must push me.  You have to help motivate me.  You have to be the one to call me out.  I begging you, please, hold me accountable.  I'm begging.

This is part of Portrait of a Mother hosted by ParentBloggers.com.

This is precious.  My mom and I never got along very well when I was young (the product of a daddy's girl, I was a devil).  She has always been rock solid for me though, I knew no matter what happened, I could go home to my mom.  And, trust me, there were a few times that I was embarrassed to call her and ask to come home, but I knew I could, just had to get over the ego.  She is sick now.  I haven't emailed anyone about it as for some reason, writing it down has made it so much more real.  However, the time has come for me to face reality.  The prognosis is not good. 

How it all happened.  She had endometrial cancer last summer, soon after a hysterectomy that included removing the lymph nodes in her pelvis, the cancer returned. She had radiation for six weeks.  Never missed a day of work the entire six weeks.  They didn't treat her with chemotherapy because that doctor felt sure the cancer was contained.  He was wrong.  Less than 6 months after her last radiation treatment, we found out she has endometrial cancer in her lungs.  The diagnosis was four large tumors of endometrial cancer in her lungs with small spots peppered all over her right lung. The fluid was building up fast and it too is malignant.  After a pet scan, we learned that the cancer is now spread in her pelvis even further and has now managed to spread to her adrenal gland.

For now, there is no cure, the chemotherapy that will all know is so hard on the body, can only hope to control the cancer so that it doesn't spread.  She is very weak, losing her appetite and is using oxygen a lot of the day and all night.  She starts treatments on Monday.  The plan is to have one treatment every three weeks.  After four treatments (or 12 weeks), she will have another pet scan to re-evaluate the situation.

I'm doing my best to spend as much time with her as possible.  She keeps telling me she doesn't need a baby sitter and for me to get on about running the daycare and taking care of the boys.  Sometime this week a member of our family who is too outspoken for our liking made the statement that she "wouldn't have the chemotherapy". Mom's response to that was this:  "You don't know until it’s you, what you will do.  If it were you and you took one look at those two little boys right there, you would know that there was only one decision to make.  The happiest times of my life right now are when those boys are here."

Now, if that's not enough to make you feel like you need to just pack your things and move in with her, nothing ever will.  Of course, that's not an option right now, but I'm not saying it won't happen.  Mom has a lot of support and says that she is not afraid.  Yet, when she is really weak and having a bad day, she wants to hold my hand.  I can't keep her from being afraid, after all, she is the mommy, she is suppose to keep me from being afraid, right?  But, as the two of us lay in her bed yesterday after an afternoon nap, holding hands, just talking about stuff, I felt, for one fleeing moment, like the mommy. 

I have no clue how to nurse an adult.  I have no clue how to figure out what she needs most at any given moment.  I have no idea how to make decisions for her.  To be honest, I don't know if I ever will.

*Photos were taken from an email that I received.  I have no idea who gets the credit for them, but whoever it is, here's to you.

Yes, I won..hands down.  Go see the other entries...

http://threeandholding.blogspot.com/2008/04/getting-dirty-with-mrs-c.html

http://mom2cne.blogspot.com/2008/04/dirty-girl.html

http://devivo.blogspot.com/2008/04/its-only-wednesday.html

http://blankenshipkids.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-dirty-housewife-confession.html

http://blankenshipkids.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-dirty-housewife-confession.html

http://milkbreathandmargaritas.blogspot.com/2008/04/dirty-housewives.html

http://cheeseparty.blogspot.com/2008/04/one-of-many-many-reasons-i-want-to.html

http://another-sister.blogspot.com/2008/04/blog-post.html

If you notice in the comments how someone observed that we were building an Ark?  You can read here and see that this is not the first Ark at our house or of this kind.

And, I am so ashamed to admit that I pay someone every 2 weeks to come to my house and clean and she has not missed any......sounds bad eh?

Ok, let me see if I can explain this without getting all snooty, but ahem, I know a little bit about athletic skills.  Ahem, I have a degree in physical education.  Let me take another brief moment to explain to you the two types of physical education teachers that I encountered in my studies.  The first type are the aerobic dancing (and fit) young little chicks who swear that their desire is to motivate and educated our youth about fitness and nutrition is their goal in life.  The other type are the round-in-the-middle former athletes (note, where as the first type tends to be all female, the second type is more equally divided between the sexes). 

So, let me tell you, I am most certainly part of the round-in-the-middle former athlete group.  I have taught and coached and ahem, I know a little bit about teaching skills.  Therefore, I have been the one to teach my five year old to hit both left and right handed.  I've done quite well, just so you know.

Now, I fully understand that T-ball has become a horrible thing because of the parents.  I was NOT (and I am not) going to be one of those parents.  So, I've been doing my coaching at home.  I have been known to get on to my kid while on the field when he was... say playing in the dirt and not paying attention.  But, as far as coaching his hitting, and any fielding choices,  I've left my coaching at home.

However, tonight, tonight the person who has been helping the players at home plate in their preparations for their turn at bat was not at the game (her grandmother died, that's not a big deal to me that she wasn't there, I mean, obviously she had more important places to be).  So, tonight, at Walker's first bat, he was no where even close to set up like he should be (like the other coach normally does).  So, I told the coach what Walker needed to do.  He had a decent little hit.  His next at bat was...er...not pretty, but decent.

Fast forward to his third at bat.  He was way out of whack.  I told him what to do.  He didn't do it.  The coach got upset because Walker looked like a freak when he finally hit the ball.  We were sitting really close to home plate and before I knew what had hit me, the coach was standing in front of me and said,

"ya'll have to decide what ya'll want him to do.  I can't lose games  because of coaching off the field."

I had to use my hand to push my jaw back up some where near my face.  I don't know if I said anything, but whether or not I did, he said, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?"  (Here's the thing, T-ball isn't about winning or losing and I have had to strap myself to the chair to convince myself of that - so it isn't like we are this great and wonderful arse-kicking team, barely mediocre is what I'd say)

Wayne said nothing, I could feel the heat from him singing my skin.  I finally said, "you go ahead, we'll be quite"  Now, remember I told you, T-ball (and youth sports in general) are ruined by the adults in most cases.  The kids are having fun, the parents are acting like idiots.  Therefore, I refused to be one of those idiots.  I closed my mouth, I said nothing else the entire game, loaded my having-fun-whether-I-get-a-hit-or-get-out kid in my truck and left. 

I personally promised myself that when I was the parent, and not the coach, I would not act a fool.  I will not be that raging parent hollering and screaming at coaches, umpires and children.  However, I honestly think this coach was out of line.  First of all, the coach that has handled the hitting was not there.  This coach (who happens to be the husband of that coach that normally handles hitting) did not know how we had been working with Walker's hitting.  (In my defense, none of the kids did very well tonight for this reason it seems.) 

I think the coach was out of line for several reasons.  As a coach, I never ever spoke to a parent during a game.  Now, when I coached, I did everything myself.  I never had assistant coaches.  I have been one, I hate it.  My players were my assistant coaches, if you teach them the sport well enough that they can coach it, you have a much more rounded player.  Anyway, I'm on a rampage now.

So, getting back to where I was with this coach being wrong.  All of the parents have basically coached their own child's hitting.  And, not all of them have done it at home like I have.  Secondly, I am...ahem....I know...ahem...ok, I'm not a n expert, but I do have a background in this area and I..ahem...I do know more about this than your run of the mill T-ball coaches.  There I said it, I know more than he does.  I think I know more about teaching children how to perform physical skills.  I may not know the best way, but honestly, I'm fairly certain I know more skill teaching techniques than most run-of-the-mill youth parents and coaches.

That said, there is a gentleman that has grandchildren on the team and I knew after I spoke to him one time that he existed in my past.  Within minutes I knew he was a former officials and he too remembered me from my days as an athlete.  He is an excellent skills teacher.  I've asked him on more than one occasion if he would work with Walker.  He would work with his own grandsons at the first of the season but not so much anymore.  Actually, he hasn't been coming much lately and I wondered why.  Tonight I found out. 

He has told me several times before that he doesn't agree with the coaches (the main one is the one he is referring to, one of the others is his son, the other coach is his son-in-law). He has tried on several occasions to help but he just doesn't fit in.  Why?  Because in my mind, he is like me, he teaches skills, not just "let-'em-go-at-it style.

So, now that I've boosted my ego and told you how I feel I am right in many ways, allow the mother-hen to come out now.  Walker has sit out part of every game.    So, basically there are kids in three different skill levels on this team.  There are three kids that are really really good and if they sat out, basically it would be mayhem on the field.  One of these is the son of the two coaches I mentioned above, the other two are girls who are in their third season of T-ball.   Then, the next level of kids involves Walker, the older man's grandsons (or 2 of the coaches children) and a couple of other kids.  Then, there are a couple of three year olds who are our main source of entertainment and then some kids that just don't have great athletic ability.  But, for some reason, Walker has been one of the ones chosen to sit out half of every game.  The coaches kids that are on the same level with him have not sat out at all.  And, like I said, if the other coaches kid sits out, the whole team would fall apart completely.  He is that good.  So, my question is this, why does my kid have to sit out half of every game?  Get less at-bats?  Miss the chance to get better in the field in game situations? 

Let me say this, other than Walker having to sit out a lot, I've adored the way this man and woman have gone about working with the kids.  His sister works for me and she is absolutely wonderful.  I chose to put Walker on this team.  I have even told his sister how much I enjoy their outlook at T-ball.  Honestly, Walker couldn't care less that he is sitting out half of the game so I am doing my best not to say anything negative about that.  After all, as long as he is having fun, that's all that matters...no wait, that's what matters most. 

One of the other important skills that I want my kids to learn is to respect the coach (as well as authority in general).  I want him to learn to do what the coach tells him to do and it is my responsibility to make sure he is on teams where doing what the coach says is the right thing.  And, I really think this coach has the right spirit for coaching this age group.  I'm just baffled at the on-goings of tonight. 

So, someone tell me that I'm just being a mommy-hen and it will all be ok.  Listening?  C'mon listening and listening and listening?  Waiting?

1. Take a picture of the dirtiest part of your house. The room, appliance or area that makes you so crazy that you’ve given up on it.

2. Post the picture on your blog, and leave a comment on this post with the link by Friday, April 18th.

3. Steal the button.

I'm terribly embarrassed about this but obviously not enough to keep me from posting the photos all in the name of winning something.  (I've never won anything by the way).  Anyway, what I'm about to show you isn't really that bad...if we had recently moved it wouldn't be that bad..but we we've been here 4 years...so, yea it is bad.

The first thing you see as you enter into...THE HALL ZONE...

And, only if you dare, you can enter in....

Need I remind you, we've been here 4 years....if you are brave, you can actually go inside and look for something...

And, hey, surely you might be looking for some home made tambourines made out of paper plates, stickers and dried macaroni?  Right?

Oh, hey, in the far corner over there...that's that's....never mind, I can't tell what it is and there's no path to it.

Now, I really can't stand the sight of this room.  However, the way I have coped has been to tell my husband that this room is for him to clean up and as long as he can go into this room, lay his hands on exactly what I want or need from the room in less than five minutes, I will simply continue to shut the door.  Of course, if you have seen the second photo, you can tell that the door no longer shuts....argh.

This is what you see when you enter my house....

And, you scan the room for our gorgeous fireplace..right?

And promptly in the middle of the floor, you find this.....(again, husbands socks that he didn't put away yesterday although the rest of the family did)

Finally, I give you the area that I cleaned up that I mentioned last week on Mrs. Chicken's site.

No words necessary, just look in awe...

This last set would be panoramic if I knew how to use that feature on my new camera.

All of this from a woman who at one time was so obnoxiously organized and a perfectionist that she annoyed the hell out of herself.  Don't think it will happen to you?  Buy your own business and just sit back and watch it unfold.

Weird how true this is...

Jerri

Add my middle name in and it is plain scarry

Ann